Starring Daneille Deadwyler, Okwui Opokwasili, Peyton Jackson

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra

Universal/Blumhouse – in Cinemas now

A grieving family are disturbed by the appearance of a mysterious, veiled, silent woman in their yard.

The first forty minutes of new Blumhouse chiller, The Woman in the Yard, are terrific.

Just in case you haven’t grasped the premise of the movie, there’s a woman in the yard. Ramona has recently become a lone parent after the death of her husband in a car accident. The whole family is dealing with its grief, and so it’s hardly a spoiler to reveal that the mysterious woman (in the yard!) is emblematic of their loss in some way. They can’t see her face, shrouded as it is in a funereal black mantilla, and to make matters worse, somewhere between the Weeping Angels and M.R. James’s Mezzotint, every time they look away, she gets just a little bit closer.

So far, so satisfyingly spooky. The cast – none of whom I was familiar with – are great. The cinematography is flawless, the editing is arresting.

So….

Remember I said that the woman was in the yard, all veiled and mysterious? Well she’s also sitting in an ornate antique chair. My advice to you, fellow horror fans, is that the second you see her stand up, just make for the exit, preferably before she drops the veil.

Within minutes, the woman is no longer in the yard, she’s in the house, looking bizarrely like 80s eccentric pop sensation Grace Jones, complete with exaggerated shoulder pads. As design choices goes, as they might have said in Yes, Minister it’s ‘very brave’ or even ‘courageous’.

Hilarity aside, from the moment the yard is no longer a thing, the whole movie falls apart. It’s completely incoherent and not scary in any way whatsoever. I’ve no idea what it’s trying to say, although it’s something to do with mirror realities, and seems to be suggesting something pretty distasteful about suicide. Apologies if that’s a spoiler but I think it’s only responsible to flag it up. It’s a sensitive issue for me and I left the cinema feeling distinctly annoyed, to put it mildly.

Verdict: The Woman in the Yard is a genuine disappointment – primarily because it starts so well. There’s the makings of a decent movie in there, but if the woman is supposed to be in the yard, then she needs to stay there until the last possible moment. 4/10

Martin Jameson

www.ninjamarmoset.com