Screenbound Entertainment, out now

When the junior curator of a museum is invited to view an ancient cauldron relic at a stately home, she has no idea what terrors await.

Iain Ross-McNamee’s low budget gothic horror would-be exploitation flick is a curious beast, and I really have no idea who it is aimed for. Drawing on Hammer, Amicus and Tigon productions of the 60s and 70s, and even the European trappings of Jean Rollin’s Euro vampire efforts, it’s just too coy and workmanlike to add anything to the genre. While it shows its references on its sleeve, it’s neither pastiche nor successor, determined to throw in well-established tropes to little, diluted success.

Katie Goldfinch and Florence Cady give their all as final girl Isabelle and vampire Scarlet, but the story is so hokey that you cant help playing horror bingo – Crazy family? Tick! Local pub full of weirdos? Tick! Everyone turning up in robes at the end for a sacrifice? Lead girl given a mysterious drink? Mysterious book found in the library? Slow-mo soft focus dream sequences? You get the picture.

There’s some mild perversion as Scarlet sniffs Isabelle’s knickers and some clumsy under-the-sheet fumbling, but this film is too embarrassed to show anything shocking, which is fine if you’re not pretending to be that sort of film. Blake’s 7’s Brian Croucher does the wise thing by getting hanged in the opening scene and poor old Neil Morrissey is dispatched in a messy but unconvincing attack.

Verdict: I take no delight in dismissing any homegrown horror enterprise, but for a vampire movie this really lacks any bite. You’ve seen everything here before, but brighter, bloodier and scarier. It doesn’t even feel like a labour of love hampered by a low budget, it’s just too cheap and not nasty enough. 2/10

Nick Joy