After a long time away, the world’s manliest mercenaries are back. Expend4bles arrives this week and to celebrate, Alasdair Stuart is riding this train full of explosions all the way through the wall and giving you everything you need to catch up on the series.

The Basics

The Expendables are deniable mercenaries led by permanently sad bear Barney Ross. They are very good at violence. They are terrible at everything else.

The Name’s The Thing

Creator Sylvester Stallone has precisely zero chill when it comes to character names. The initial Expendables team includes Stallone as Barney Ross, Jason Statham as Lee Christmas, Dolph Lundgren as Gunner, Terry Crews as Hale Caesar, Jet Li as Yin Yang and Randy Couture as Toll Road. Bruce Willis appears as a CIA agent called Church because we first meet him in a church. My absolute favourite is Jean Claude Van Damme who appears as the villain in Expendables 2. His name is Vilain.

Gurls Reluctantly Allowed

The first two Expendables movies are allowed precisely two female characters each, as a treat. In both cases one of those is Charisma Carpenter in the thankless, luckless non role of Lacy, Lee’s girlfriend. Her job is to simper, cheat on him and text him during missions. It is somehow even worse than it sounds and my heart goes out to Carpenter for having to suffer through this non-role. In the first movie, Giselle Itié gets a little more to do as Sandra, their on-island contact. In the sequel, Yu Nan’s Maggie is great fun. A CIA agent she fits right in with the team, more than holds her own and… doesn’t return for the sequel. Amanda Ooms is fun too as a village elder but largely exists to give the Muscular Embodiment of US Foreign Policy something to feel sad about. By the tine we get to Expendables 3, we’ve got an actual female team member but… she’s a bouncer played by Ronda Rousey who delivers the exact performance she always does. In a movie that works, that’s not a bad thing. The Expendables 3 doesn’t  work. At all.

You Cannot Prepare For The Level of Cheese

There is not a single double entendre, dad joke or pun that these movies can walk past in slow motion while they explode. Barney yells ‘Rest in pieces!’ at a henchman they kill in a graveyard. Lee, disguised as a monk, beats the living hell out of a bunch of people with an incense burner after growling ‘I now declare you man… and KNIFE.’ These films are the kiss-off bossfight line from every 1990s action film ever made, extended to 100 minutes.

These Movies Know Exactly What They Are…

The first two films are a ridiculously good time precisely because of their cheese. Schwarzenegger and Willis yell each other’s catchphrases, there’s a deeply weird and kind of lovely tie in to Chuck Norris movie Good Guys Wear Black that suggests the movies are in the same universe. A major part of the ending for 2 is a fight between up-and-coming action star Scott Adkins and Jason Statham. There’s a lot of fun stuff here, for two films.

…Until They Don’t

Expendables 3 doesn’t work. After the cheery dadblood fest of the previous two it’s PG. The cast doubles in size including Wesley Snipes and future Top Gun: Maverick MVP Glen Powell and none of them get enough to do. The villain is played by Mel Gibson and the movie is officially the unlovable start of the world’s least deserved redemption tour. Terry Crews’ reduced role doesn’t help matters either, as one of the most inherently likable characters of the franchise gets benched for much of its run time. 3 has some high spots, the ending is surprisingly fun for one and Harrison Ford is always a welcome addition, but it’s by far the weakest movie.

The Terry Crews Situation

Crews sued agent Adam Venit for sexual assault several years ago. The case was settled but Crews has also talked publicly said producer Avi Lerner told him to drop the suit if he wanted to be in Expendables 4. Crews did not drop the case. He is not in Expendables 4. Venit was also recently sued for assault and domestic violence by his wife. Stallone briefly left the Expendables franchise and has returned in a reduced capacity due to clashes with Avi Lerner.

Expend4bles is out this week. Action movies are about to get sweaty again.