After a near universal drubbing by the critics, many citing the irony of an apocalyptic insomnia movie having the clinically opposite effect on the viewer, writer Martin Jameson ponders on how a project such as Awake ever saw the light of day. He invites you to follow his perhaps fevered imagination deep into the offices of a well-known streaming platform:

‘Hi man, come in, sit down.  Did you get a coffee?’

‘Mint tea, thank you.  Hey, you know, too much caffeine…? It makes me…’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘You want me to tell you about mint tea?’

‘No. Just cut to the pitch. What’s your show called?’

‘It’s called… “Awake”.’

‘I like it. … Is that with or without an exclamation point?’

‘I can add one if you think that would be better.’

‘I’m kidding you, I’m kidding you. Hit me with the story.’

‘Ok, so it’s like an apocalyptic thing…?’

‘We LOVE the apocalypse. Go on.’

‘So, you know what it’s like when you can’t sleep?’

‘For sure.’

‘No, I mean, like, you REALLY can’t sleep!’

‘Ah cool. You mean, like, if a person snorts too much of the Colombian marching powder?’

‘Errr…. yeah, I guess so, or… so I’ve heard, you know, like, from other people.’

‘Me too. Me too. You crack me up, man.  Go on.’

‘Okay, so most people don’t know this, but if you don’t sleep, your brain expands, you go crazy and then you die.’

‘No shit!’

‘I looked it up.’

‘That’s amazing’

‘So, like, there’s this solar flare, and it stops the car radio from working, but it ALSO stops everyone from being able to sleep.’

(UNCERTAIN) ‘Okaaaaaayyyy… and…???’

‘And – their brains expand, and they go crazy and die!’

‘You’re definitely shitting me.’

‘No, really, that’s what would happen.’

‘So why don’t they just have a lie down?’

‘What?’

‘A lie down. That’s what I do when I’m tired.’

‘Because of the solar flare!’

‘They could shut their eyes and listen to calming music… even if they didn’t actually sleep, they would get some rest.’

‘Are you taking this seriously or not?!’

‘Forty winks? Ovaltine? Horlicks?’

‘If I told you that at the end, they take the skull off a chimpanzee and start shooting each other would you stop taking the mick?’

‘Where do they get the chimpanzee from?’

‘Now you’re just being picky!’

‘Sorry.’

‘And then the kids drown their Mom.’

‘….sorry?  …what?’

‘Ok, so here’s the deal, I can explain the plot to you – or you can give me a couple of million to make it.’

…

‘Who do I make the cheque out to?’

Verdict: Truly a low point for Netflix. Minus 10/10…. Oh ok… 0/10. No, on reflection 1/10, because it was so daft it was actually pretty funny.

Martin Jameson