Starring Kōki, Tim Roth, Jack Lowden, Takehiro Hira

Written and Directed by John Maclean

Lionsgate UK – In Cinemas now

In remote 18th century Scotland, a Japanese puppeteer finds herself on the wrong side of a dangerous criminal gang.

‘Boss?’

‘What is it, Jameson?’

I was Face-Timing my editor, currently sunning himself on his Mediterranean super-yacht. ‘What about this new movie, Tornado? I’ve seen the trailer. It’s set in Scotland and Tim Roth’s a Cockerney gangster, but there’s these Samurai peeps slashing people with their great big swords. It’s obviously some kind of mad horror fantasy thing. You want me to go in?’

It took the boss a while to reply. Beulah was peeling him a grape. He took a long drag on his cigar: ‘Sounds like a job for SFB. What are you waiting for?’

The next day I checked back in. The boss was skydiving. ‘Make it quick Jameson, I’ve only got 10,000 feet.’

‘Well,’ I spoke as quickly as I could. ‘I’m not sure it’s really the genre movie I thought it would be. I mean, it’s basically a Samurai Spaghetti Western revenge thriller.’

‘Sorry Jameson?’ He was shouting against the wind pummeling his cheeks, ‘I didn’t quite get that…!’

‘There’s a Japanese puppeteer and her Samurai dad, who for some reason are doing shows to tiny communities in remote 18th Century Scotland (which is a really terrible business model when you think about it), and this random kid steals some gold doubloons from Tim Roth who’s a London geezer and then the Japanese puppeteer steals the cash from the kid and there’s lots of stabbing and setting stuff on fire. It’s a bit like Finnish ultra-violent Nazi thriller Sisu but nowhere near as good or stylish or even as satisfyingly violent. It wants to be Scotland’s answer to Akira Kurosawa and Sergio Leone but no one involved has the technique or budget to really carry it off. It’s a bit of a shame really.’

‘So not really SFB genre at all, then?’ said the boss, distracted as he noticed that the ground rushing towards him was covered in whale blubber.

‘Well there were radiators,’ I said, a little desperately.

‘What are you talking about man?!?’ The boss was losing patience.

‘Radiators. Twentieth century radiators in the interior locations supposedly in 1790.’

‘Time travel! Well done Jameson, mission accomplished!’

I was relieved, but the boss hadn’t finished. ‘You need to be careful, though, Jameson. Non-sensical genre mash-ups like that can send a man crazy!!’

‘Don’t worry about me, sir, I’ll be sure to write a completely level-headed and academically forensic review.’

‘Are you sure about that, Jameson?’ And he pulled his chute.

He was right, of course. Genre mash-ups can be fun, but Tornado goes out on a limb for no particularly good reason, and without the necessary cinematic chutzpah to carry it off. I’m still trying to reassemble my synapses. Wish me luck.

5/10

Martin Jameson

www.ninjamarmoset.com