Altitude, out now

An LA rap group trying to get a record deal has a bigger concern when a giant snake begins terrorising their ‘hood.

This film is bad. I mean, rubbish bad. But you didn’t really need me to tell you that, right? Clearly a case of someone finding a punny title and building 80 minutes of nonsense around it. But in a marketplace that’s already crowded with Big-Ass Spiders, Piranhacondas and the like, what does this bring to the table?

Imagine you threw Training Day, Snakes on a Plane and Straight into Compton into a blender, you then strained the mixture of any originality or humour and then winked at the camera every time you made a pop culture joke… imagine no more. The Scary Movie series set the bar pretty low for cheap parody, but this dud doesn’t even try to mock the source material, it just replays it, cheaply. Security guards get turned into snake zombies, fighter jets square off against the monster snake atop an LA skyscraper, all to the backing of rap and hip hop and an embarrassing cast of stereotypes and idiots.

Verdict: “Godzilla ain’t got sh*t on me!” For goodness snake, steer clear of this 80-minute mess. Not even ‘so bad it’s good’ this won’t even sate the appetites of the Sharknado crowd. 2/10

Nick Joy